The Ghost of Mr Heckles
by StarDaze18
Summary: Pretty self-explanatory...Mr. Heckles returns from the beyond. Not scary, but hopefully funny!


HI! This is based on a random idea I had the other day, so it will only be one chapter. I'm still working on wrapping up my other story, Battle of the Exes. So please review and tell me whether you liked this one! Thank you!

I DO NOT OWN FRIENDS! The lucky people at Bright, Kauffman and Crane do.

The Ghost of Mr. Heckles

C&Ms apartment. Everyone is there, and all are sitting around, bored.

Phoebe – Okay, I'm going to try out my new song on you guys!

All – Sure…whatever.

Phoebe – Okay:

     Beautiful acid rain

     Running down the sewer drain

     Flows out to the ocean in the blink of an eye

     And the little fishies drink it and die!

     La la la la la la la la la la la la la la!

Ross – See Pheebs, technically, fish don't DRINK water, they-

Phoebe – (Covers her ears and screams) Aaaahhh! Can't hear you!

(They hear a thump coming from the floor. Everyone stares at each other.)

Monica – Um, when was the last time we heard that?

Rachel – God, not since Mr. Heckles died.

Joey – You don't think the people who have his apartment now are just as mean as he is!

Phoebe – Oh, it's possible. See, if he left his essence behind in his apartment when he left this plane of existence, it could eventually rub off on someone who spends time around it. Yeah, that's why I had my apartment cleaned after my grandma died. I didn't want to become addicted to alcohol and gambling.

Chandler – Oh, I didn't know your grandma drank.

Phoebe – She didn't. No. But she spent a lot of time around the essence of my grandpa, and he did, so…

Joey – Hey, I get it!

Monica – Well, it doesn't matter anyway. Nobody ever bought Mr. Heckles' apartment. 

Ross – Really? Not even after all this time?

Rachel – No, they all said it gave them the creeps. There's some kind of vibe in there that freaks everybody out.

Phoebe – Essence!

Chandler – I don't think so Pheebs. More likely he left something that reeked under the floor so no one could disturb his apartment.

Joey – Would a meatball sub on his bedroom floor fall under that category? …'Cause if it does, then I ate the evidence a long time ago.

Monica – Well, I hope there are new people. It's either that, or Mr. Heckles came back to haunt us. (They all laugh)

Rachel – Well, there's only one way to find out. (She stands up and stomps on the floor)

(Everyone pauses and listens, but they don't hear anything. They sigh in relief, but then they hear a banging noise)

Joey – AAAHHHHH!!

Phoebe – IT'S THE GHOST OF MR. HECKLES!  

Scene: Hallway outside of Mr. Heckles' apartment, all are there.

Ross – See, we're gonna open the door, and nothing will be there. I'm telling you, it was just our imaginations.

Phoebe – Yeah, well, what will you do if the demon-ghost of Mr. Heckles is there waiting to eat the first person who walks into the room?

Ross – In that case, we push someone in and hope he's satisfied with one of us.

Joey – (scared) Okay, but…who's going in?

Chandler – All right! I'm opening the door now.

Phoebe – No one enter the room!

Chandler – (Opens the door)

Monica – I don't see much…

Ross – See, I told you, just our imaginations.

Chandler – Wow, I haven't imagined banging noises since I stopped sharing a wall with Joey.

(One by one, they all turn away. Suddenly, Rachel, the last one looking, screams)

Rachel – Aaahhhhhh!!

Everyone – What? What is it?

Rachel – (Frantically points) Look!

(They look and see a broom, floating by itself, banging on the ceiling)

Phoebe – Ha!

Ross – No way!

Monica – I don't believe it!

Chandler – I know! We aren't even up there!

Time Lapse: M&Cs apartment. They're back.

Rachel – I seriously don't believe this. Mr. Heckles is, like, a ghost! In his old apartment!

Monica – I know! It's so scary…We live upstairs from a ghost!

Ross – I have to admit, I didn't believe it at first…

Chandler – No, really? Maybe you didn't make it clear enough.

Ross - …but that has to be it. There's no other explanation!

Joey – Yeah! Who else besides Heckles does that?

Rachel – Well, we have to do something to make it go away.

Joey – What! Why?

Monica – Joey, Mr. Heckles was bad enough when he was alive! What do you think it's going to be like now that he's dead? 

Joey – We can be quieter! Come on! I'm scared!

Ross – Joey, they're right. We have to get rid of it somehow!

Rachel – But how?

Chandler – Maybe we should call Linda Blair.

Phoebe – (Suddenly) There is a way.

Rachel – What? How?

Phoebe – Tonight. At midnight. It's the only time that it works.

Monica – Great. So, everybody's spending the night here?

All – Yeah/Sure/Great…

Rachel – Okay, so what do we need for this thing?

Phoebe – Well, we'll need some coal ashes, some tap water, Doritos, pretzels, sodas…

Monica – Really? All that?

Phoebe – Actually, I kinda just don't want to bring food.

Time Lapse: That night…

Rachel – Okay, what time is it?

Chandler – Time for you to realize that the clock is right in front of you. (Everyone stares at him) Sorry, I don't work well nights.

Ross – It's five minutes to midnight.

Phoebe – Oh! Yeah! Let's start now!

Chandler – Thank goodness! I was getting so bored of Miss Congeniality!

Joey – Hot girl with a weapon. What's not to like?

Phoebe – Stop! Okay, everybody sit in a circle and hold hands. 

(They sit in this order: Phoebe, Joey, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Ross)

Phoebe – Now I'm going to cover the sacred circle in water. (She pours water over everyone's heads)

All – Hey!/Phoebe!

Phoebe – Shh! Now I pass around the bowl of ashes, and everybody puts their hand in and takes it back out.

Rachel – (As the bowl circulates) Uh, Pheebs? Where did you get these?

Phoebe – Well, the funeral home wouldn't give me any, so I took them from my mom's fireplace. (They all freak out) No! My birth mom, not my dead mom. (They calm down and finish passing the bowl)

Ross – This is never going to work.

Phoebe – Shh! Now I chant! Everybody close your eyes and focus on what I say. (They close their eyes) Um… ew no yish ga a la pook ma kelley smat, kelley smat…

Joey – (Starts laughing)

Monica – SHH!! (Lets go of Joey's hand and hits him)

Phoebe – Concentrate! Oh spirits! We come to you seeking one who has crossed over! Protect our sacred circle from those demons out looking for a midnight snack! Guide us to the one we seek! (Whispers) What was Mr. Heckles's first name? (everyone shrugs) 

Phoebe – (Loud again) Take us to Mr. Heckles! You know, unless he's like mad.

Ross – (Pause) Sorry Pheebs, I don't think-

Voice – What do you want?

(Rachel, Monica and Joey scream)

Phoebe – Mr. Heckles! Oh my god!

Mr. Heckles – Yeah, right. In the flesh. Or whatever.

Monica – You…you're dead!

Mr. Heckles – What, you just figured that out? Well, aren't you the smart one!

Monica – Hey!

Phoebe – Mr. Heckles! We have crossed over the spiritual plane that separates the two worlds to seek your presence!

Mr. Heckles - …What?

Chandler – True or false: You have been haunting your old apartment!

Mr. Heckles – True. What of it?

Joey – It's scary! What are you doing it for?

Mr. Heckles – It's you guys. You're disturbing my lizards.

Rachel – You don't have lizards!

Mr. Heckles – Hey, now that I live in the beyond, I have lizards, okay?

Phoebe – Oh spirit of the passed away Mr. Heckles! How can we get you to stop tormenting us from the beyond!

Mr. Heckles - …What?

Ross – How can we shut you up.

Mr. Heckles – Oh. Well, for one thing, you can put my girly clock back.

Rachel – The one that's been buried in my closet for seven years?

Mr. Heckles – That's the one! And you, Italian guy, can buy me another meatball sub!

Joey – Fine!

Mr. Heckles – And you can also put my magnifying mirror back! That was there for a reason, you know!

Joey – Consider it done!

Mr. Heckles – And you! Italian guy's funny ex-roommate!

Chandler – Hey, I'm not gay anymore!

Mr. Heckles – Now that you know you're not going to turn out exactly like me, you can put my yearbook back!

Chandler – Okay..but I should warn you, many pictures have acquired mustaches and beards.

Mr. Heckles – New ones?

Chandler – Yeah, and I added to yours.

Mr. Heckles – Fine. And you! (Points at Monica) You can buy me another lamp!

Monica – What? Rachel took it out of your apartment! 

Mr. Heckles – Well, who broke it?

Rachel – I told you not to mess with the lamp…

Ross – So if we do all that stuff, you won't haunt us anymore?

Mr. Heckles – Sure. You guys were no fun anyway. I'll just go back to my old high-school friends.

Phoebe – Oh Mr. Heckles! We thank you for your guidance! However, we must now return you to the, uh, dead world, because I really need to pee.

Mr. Heckles – Sure. Just put my stuff back.

Phoebe – Uh huh we will bye!

Everyone – Bye, Mr. Heckles!

Mr. Heckles – (As he fades away) Be quiet!

Phoebe – (Breaks the circle and runs into the bathroom)

Ross – Wow. Being dead sure doesn't change a person much.

Rachel – Yeah, he's still a mean old person.

Monica – Too bad. I guess we'd better put all his stuff back.

Joey – No way! Even the mirror?

Chandler – Joey, where do you even keep it?

Joey – Next to my bed. Where else?

Rachel – Too much information!

Ross – Well, as long as we put all his stuff back, I guess that's it from Mr. Heckles…

Phoebe – (Running out of the bathroom) Wait! Join hands! We have to call him back!

Everyone – What? Why?

Phoebe – I forgot to ask him to say hi to my mom and my grandma! (They all look at her) And I also want to contact Jaques Coustou…

The End! 

Okay, that's all for this story! Please review and tell me whether you liked it, hated it, etc…THANK YOU!


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